There is Hope if You Let Yourself "Just Be"

Happy New Year to everyone! I've been off of the blog world for a while; God's plan for me has taken me to places I never thought imaginable about 5 years ago when my world fell apart after losing Rachel to melanoma. As we make our way into 2014, I want to share with you some advice learned through personal encounters and life events that I hope will give you hope; hope when you have encountered tragedy, loss, grief, frustration, sadness, or whatever painful experiences you have been faced with.

Melanoma, and cancer in general, can rip us apart. It can destroy our faith in God, in medical professionals, and even in ourselves. To see someone you love dearly dying and not being able to do anything is crushing to the soul. Those of you who have read this blog over the last five years have seen the path that Rachel and I and her family have taken. You have seen the hurt, the loss, and the grief we have experienced. Thankfully, you have seen the blessings, the miracles, and the beauty we have also experienced due to our faith and love of God and one another. I implore all of you to take our experiences as well as the good and bad experiences you've had and make yourself a promise to always look for the positive. In the last five years of our lives, we have come so far, and our faith has been such a big part of that. Those of us who have been touched by Rachel's life and love and knowing that there is an angel looking out for all of us has been a guiding light leading us to where we are now, and continues to be a beacon leading us through the present into a bright future.You have heard me discuss our core values of Faith, Family, and Friends (those 3 F's!), but here is something else that has kept me going since those dark times in 2009. That something I know as: Just Be.

Shortly after Rachel's passing, Fr. Tim O'Neill, our pastor at St. Patrick's Catholic Church in Hubbard, OH, talked with us and told us what it means to "Just Be". Father Tim has brought the concept of "Just Be" to many people via his homilies and sermons in church and I even read about him discussing this years ago as a young Jesuit Priest to a young athlete from reading the biography of a local world champion boxer, Ray Mancini, called "The Good Son" by Mark Kriegel. What a simple, yet powerful statement that is. Just Be. Two words. One sentence. Many meanings.

Just Be. Have you ever just sat somewhere and taken in what is all around you? Smelled the air, looked at the scenery, thought about what is good in your life? How many times do you focus on the negative and what worries you have? When you try and Just Be, you take a break from all of those external stressors and focus on what good is in your life. You have heard me discuss miracles in previous posts. I'll say this again: Most miracles that we experience we are blind to because we are not looking for them or we don't consider them miracles. We are looking for the "big story" miracles; you know, the ones that you read in magazines and newspapers. We fail most of the time to see what miracles are happening because we can't see the forest for the trees! Just Be. Give yourself time to sit back and relax. Close your eyes. Focus on the miracles that you have experienced today. The sunrise, your children, your parents, the love people have for you - these are commonly missed miracles! Let the good in your life (I promise no matter how bad things may be there are positives there!) take over your mind. Focus on how no matter how hard things have been for you, you have made it through, although maybe scarred or injured emotionally or physically. Your being here through it all is a good example of the concept of Just Be.

Five years ago, I was a man who had lost his way in life, through the tragedy of losing his amazing and beautiful wife. I had lost my way and had no compass to guide me through life. I was a ship without sails caught in many turbulent currents surrounded by heavy seas and torrential storms. Many of these storms were of my own creation. I tried so hard to make things right, to re-create my life to make it the way it was. I never heard of the "Just Be" concept. I was more of a "Just Try" or "Just Maybe" sort of guy. I made some rash and sometimes horrible decisions. It took a strong faith renewed by my brothers and sisters in Christ to give me a compass. It took the concept of "Just Be" to give me my sails. I realized I am part of something bigger. I am in the world. I am one of God's children. I am a miracle. I am surrounded by miracles. I am me. I am a gift. I have been blessed with countless gifts. I have faith, faith that can carry me through the depths of hell! Deep breath, and there I am, doing just what God wants me to be in Him, with Him, and through Him. Just Be.

Now as I make my way forward with all of you, my family and friends, I look at the importance and the impact of Just Be in my life. I have remarried; she is a beautiful woman who accepts and understands my past, and has an unshakable faith in God like I do, and her name is Kristy. I have just witnessed the birth of our first child, a young girl we named Reyanne Beverly Possert. Life has not always been easy. It is sometimes very hard. But here I am, and here we are. Join me in this beautiful world full of miracles and realize that in order to lose ourselves in the good in our lives and move forward through the hard times, we must sometimes Just Be. I wish all of you blessings and miracles in your lives. You are a miracle, you are loved. Just Be.

Change is Good!

Hello to all of our amazing family and friends! As you can see, there are some small changes I have made to Rach's Blog. I believe these changes are vital in order to accomplish a few things:
- The need to shift the focus to a more informational and inspirational theme vice a sad and heartbreaking theme.
- The need to make this more about her and how her story can save the lives of others by educating them.
- The ability for those using Google and other search engines to find her blog, enabling us to help others.

I really wanted to take any of the focus off of me, the author and her husband before she lost her battle to melanoma, and place it on where it needs to be - on her. I encourage those of you who have just found this blog to read it from the beginning (Nov/Dec 2009) and read it the entire way through to the end. I promise you, you will get something out of it. For those of you who are familiar with this blog, take the time to revisit some of the entries. I do from time to time; it provides me with inspiration and strength!

This past January, we passed three years since Rachel lost her battle with malignant melanoma. For some of us, it is still fresh in our minds and hearts. In the three years since her death, there have been some extremely important happenings in the areas applicable to malignant melanoma, tanning regulation, and cancer research. I will mention a few of these below.

Melanoma Treatment 2011 - A year of Milestones

Key Melanoma Issues

State & National Melanoma Issues

Some "educational" videos for you and those you love. Please pass it on! Oh, and check out a few of my blogs I follow on the left - these are written by folks who have been in the same fight we have. The videos:





I hope you enjoy the changes and the new attitude "Team Rachel" will be bringing to the fight against melanoma! I will soon start adding information for this year's American Cancer Society's "Relay for Life" - Team Rachel to be held in mid-May! God bless!

~Rich

The Great Effectiveness Of Cancer Survivor Networks

A great write-up and guest post from a new friend of mine; a teammate in the fight against cancer. Thanks to Mr. David Haas; please enjoy!

Cancer survivor networks are a wonderful resource for anyone who has been affected by cancer. This goes from those who have just left the doctor with a diagnosis of a rare cancer like mesothelioma to the families of those who are in remission and hoping to stay that way. The American Cancer Society hosts a survivor's network for anyone who has been afflicted.

However, any survivor's network can offer beneficial information to patients and families who are looking to cope with the diagnosis or learn to live after cancer. Another form of network helps families and patients to deal with the cancer and treatment.

For example, not only does the ACS (American Cancer Society) have a survivor's network, but they also have a resource library for those who are fighting the disease right now. There are so many items to consider. Patients have to know how to deal with the side effects of treatment, physical activity during treatment, and even how to eat properly during treatment.

These resources are useful for the families who must take care of cancer patients because nutrition and physical activity are often left up to the family and not the patient. Moreover, knowing all of this extra information can help to make the treatment easier to bear.

Taking this information from a network of family members and patients may offer insight into treatment options that may not have been discussed with a physician. Learning from another family or patient about certain treatment methods can open up new options to patients who are currently having a hard time with treatment. This is also a wonderful way to find referrals for good doctors in your area. Sometimes, the best referral comes from someone who is dealing with cancer and currently working with the doctor they are referring.

Finding all the tools necessary to deal with cancer, help a patient in need, or learn to cope with life after cancer should be done through a network that brings patients and survivors together. Sharing information is one of the best ways that we can fight this insidious disease. Working together can help patients and families from around the globe battle cancer with dignity and grace.

Thanks again David! More guest posts and posts from me to come! God bless all of you fighting the battle against cancer and my prayers to the caretakers and family and friends of those who are fighting!

It's Been a While...

I know it has been quite a while since I have posted...while I will not pass on all 0f my "excuses" for not writing, I can tell you all that I have had some interesting things happen physically in the past few weeks.

On Super Bowl Sunday, I had a major anxiety attack. I seriously thought I was dying of a heart attack. I had a few smaller ones throughout that day. I went to the doctors the next day and was prescribed Xanax and Zoloft. I'm also seeing a psychologist as well (on my own accord). I have had these things called PVCs (Premature Ventricular Contractions) where my heart skips a beat as well. I have had to wear a monitor for 24 hours this past week to make sure that they are related to stress and anxiety and not some other more serious physical problem.

I find that now, six weeks after Rachel's passing, I have been riding on a roller coaster of emotions. Sadness (of course); anger, guilt, lonesomeness, helplessness, and many others. I have tried moving on sometimes I think too fast. I am a very inquisitive and analytical person. I blame that one my almost 15 years in the Navy. While Rachel was sick I made sure I knew the defination and cause and effect of every single symptom and or diagnosis that the doctors or nurses gave to me. I now have continued to do that on myself; I knew what the PVCs were before I went to the doctor's office and had him tell me from looking at an EKG. The unfortunate thing here is my analytical ways have just been another way of inflating the internal balloon that is my anxiety level. I was not letting myself grieve. I was not letting myself release the emotions pent up inside of me; instead I was putting up a facade of I'm doing okay, everything is fine, etc. Well, the balloon burst.

For the last couple of weeks especially, I kept telling myself that I seriously needed a woman, friend or not, to do nothing but hold me all night. Someone to comfort me and plutonicly satisfy an urge I have come to know is called "skin hunger". Well after talking to more than a few women and realizing where I am at in my grieving process, I understand completely that this is my longing for Rachel to be here with me and my need for her to hold me (and the associated sadness in knowing that she cannot physically be here to do that). Among all of her beautiful ways; the smile, the sense of humor, the vivality; she had an amazing way of bringing us comfort by how she held us. Anyone who receieved a hug from Rach felt something from it. I don't just mean physically either. It was a hug, a hold, that went straight to your heart and soul. It was a way for her to give you something that she could not give to you verbally or visually. It was a way for you to enjoy her spiritual gift she was giving to you. Near the end of my eulogy for Rach at her funeral mass, one of the things I said was for every person (mind you the number of people there was approaching 1,000) to turn to each other and hug each other and tell them you loved them. This was something that only came to me as I knelt beside her body for the last time before they closed the casket. It was her way of channeling through me one last hug and I love you to each and every person there. She knew that out of the thousand people at her funeral mass, only a handful actually were able to get that from her before she passed; I felt like she succeded in ensuring everyone knew it was her; I watched in melancholy happiness as the entire church attendance gave each other what she wanted them to have.

I am not going to lecture or even post anything about melanoma in this entry. This entry is more related to love and love lost. Read how I am feeling. Read how you would feel. Take that emotion and use it to be a better husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, son, daughter, brother, sister, cousin, or friend. Don't take love and emotions and feelings for granted. Don't be afraid to show your feelings, and when someone shows you theirs, take them and let them touch your heart and soul like Rachel was able to touch ours.

For those of you who need that someone; that friend, that someone to show you what I am describing, contact me. Part of my life's goals are not only to pass on education and awareness of Rachel's illness, but to pass on the love and joy she always brought to everyone she came into contact with. May God bless you all...and I know it may be off of the subject of this post in general, but please say some prayers for my friend Linda Ramirez, who is suffering from stage IV melanoma like Rachel did. Pray for all cancer patients. Pray for all widows and widowers, no matter what age they may be. Pray for your families and friends. Pray for thanks for what we have in our lives.

Lack of Knowledge (Why?)

What causes melanoma? Do you know?

I have heard many answers to these couple of questions. "Melanoma is caused by an unsanitary/dirty tanning bed, right"? "It's from them people that spend too much time in the sun" is another gem. Oh, I've also heard, "Oh you know if you go to those tanning salons and not lay out in the sun you protect your skin so when you do go out into the sun your skin is already used to it and you won't get burnt". Nice.

When is the last time you actually went to a dermatologist? Why?

Even more good ones from those questions. "My family doctor doesn't ever tell me I need to do it". "I'm only 29; only teenagers with acne and old people with moles need to go there". "Don't those guy do face lifts and nose jobs"? (I actually heard that at a mall while talking to a young girl at the food court; you could obviously tell she went tanning regularly).

Normally these would be funny. You would see stuff like that on Jay Leno's "Jay-Walking" segment on the Tonight Show.

These are in all reality NOT funny. These ignorant answers are a sign that not enough is being put out to the younger adults and children (most of whom are women) about the dangers of tanning beds and lack of knowledge of skin care (not just putting your Bath & Body Works Lotion on your legs silly).

Why is it that melanoma is the fastest growing cancer among women under the age of 30 IN AMERICA? Not only are we ignorant of the causes of melanoma and the ways of preventing it, but, we also have no idea how to ensure that we aren't "infected" or "inflicted" or whatever you want to call it.

Do you know what the ABCDE's of melanoma are? More than likely you don't (click on the link and it will take you to the Skin Cancer Foundation Website's explanation). They're not something you see on a carton or pack. They're not something you see in the places you go to tan. I have never seen anything on TV or heard anything on the radio concerning them. Again, this is the NUMBER ONE/NUMERO UNO growing CANCER in WOMEN under the age of 30 in the entire USA! Ya think we would hear something...so, before I move on to some juicer stuff, here are the ABCDE's in order:

A - Asymmetrical. Is the mole asymmetrical, meaning perfectly round, or is one side small and the other oblong? In other words, if ya took a pen and drew a line in the middle, would each side look alike? If they don't, GET IT CHECKED OUT ASAP by a Dermatologist!

B- Border. Does the mole have irregular borders? Does it have smooth edges or is it ragged around the outside? If the borders are uneven, it is a good sign to go the the Dermatologist NOW!

C - Color. Has the mole changed colors lately? Is it multicolored? Has it turned blue or black, or is it two shades of brown? If so, you know what to do. DERMATOLOGIST!

D - Diameter. How big is the mole. Is it the size of a pinhead? Is it bigger, like let's say the size of a pencil eraser in circumference? Granted, some melanomas may be smaller when they are first developed, and even some larger, non-melanomic moles may be bigger; but if if the mole is bigger than that pencil eraser tip, and especially if it has some of the other characteristics mentioned in the ABCDE's, I would call my family doc and schedule an appointment with the Derm dude like right now.

E - Evolving. This is a not too much heard of and honestly a newer addition to the group of letters of warning of the beast we call melanoma. If the mole changes; any of the A's, B's, C's, or D's...it is time to be worried. Normally a mole that is a source of melanoma with change (or evolve) in color. It may itch. It may grow in elevation. It may itch. It may bleed. If any of these things happen, get it checked out, please?

Now, I want to share with you another point of view I have been shown by a special friend over these last few weeks. It revolves around something I hear quite often. I assume it is something people say because they are a little uncomfortable around a widow/widower, or they just don't know what to say. What can I say, talking to a widow can be weird to some folks. They will say: "Oh, honey/sweetie/kiddo/Ricky, etc., Everything will be okay. It will be okay. You will be okay. Just give it time". Well, ya know, this good friend of mine who lives near Charlotte, NC, who lost her husband at a young age said it best: "You know what? It will never be okay. Ever. It's not okay that someone we loved with all of our heart is gone from our life this early. It never will be okay. It will just always be different". When you think about those few sentences, most folks would be thinking that they come off as cynical or pessimistic. But think about it. Are you happy Rach is gone? Is it "okay" to you that she is not here with us anymore? Most if not all of you probably answered "no." So, is it different now that she isn't here? Has life changed? You're damn right it is and has. So, it isn't OKAY. It is DIFFERENT. Thank you, Pami.

This long road I have been traveling lately has brought me into contact with some very special people, not just in my family and circle of friends, but also a large group of folks who have gone through what I have; losing a spouse at a young age. I have found a bulletin board by way of a suggestion from a friend through Facebook (thanks, Anna!) called www.ywbb.org. What an awesome group of supporters. This bulletin board is made up of all kinds of people like me. I have been saying consistently that the reason I am able to deal with this entire situation is because of the support I am getting. I am getting support from folks in person and online, and you all kick some serious butt.

Keep reading; next time I will try and pop some more vids and maybe a few songs in here, mixed of course with some scary tanning/melanoma stuff too! God bless you all!

(By the way, please all of you pray for Linda Ramirez and her family. Please click on her name to read her blog. I see her story as something very similar to what Rach went through. This is such a bad disease and it truly takes some very special people away from us. Many of you offered your prayers to Rach while she was very sick, and I ask you to do the same for Linda and her beautiful family. Thanks again for your prayers and support.)

Good People, Hard Times

If you look at Rachel's life, most of you would come up with a thought such as "Why does such bad things happen to good people like her"? If you look at Rachel's family, our marriage, and her friends, you could apply that question to each.

As you have heard me in these past few months; melanoma is a very difficult illness to endure and to die from. It is usually long lasting, it is relatively unpredictable, it's symptoms are quite painful, and it creates a lifestyle so stressful to a family and especially an individual that you could not possibly wish it onto your worst enemy with a clear conscience. Yet, Rachel and our family suffered through it. She went through the constant pain and uncertainty. We went through the hell of seeing her in pain without being able to ease it for her, like a parent, husband, or sibling wants to be able to do. She suffered and died. We suffered and are permanently scarred by the images of her suffering and death.

You would think we would all be inconsolable and depressed and all kinds of other bad ways due to the trauma of losing such a special woman; a daughter, wife, sister, aunt, and cousin. But we're not. I hear constantly how strong we are. How strong I am. "How do you do it"?, I am commonly asked.

Earlier in this blog, near the beginning, while discussing her surgery to discover the metastatic mass in her neck that started all of the recent illness, I mentioned the "3 F's": Faith, Family, and Friends. Imagine that almost a year later, and even after Rachel's passing, those "3 F's" still play a vital role in our cooperative strength.

I have always been a faithful person. I may have grown away from my Catholic roots as I grew older, but in this part of my life, being a young widower, my faith has never been stronger. I have seen numerous signs that tell me Rachel is still around me. My faith has brought me strength and peace in a time where most would think I was "let down" by God. I was enlightened by Sr. Vittoria of the Oblates in Youngstown, OH, who told me, "Jesus suffered and died very painfully, so that we may live. Rachel, in the ways of Jesus, did the same; she suffered and died so that others may live". It makes sense. By my passing on Rachel's story, I have received multiple letters, emails, messages, etc., telling me that a person has stopped tanning or has cracked down on their kids' tanning or has started making regular appointments with their dermatologist. She has started saving lives already; and with you and me passing the word of her story and what it means to everyone, along with applying her life's lessons to our own lives, she will save countless more.

I have been truly blessed with both my own family and Rachel's family. They have truly been a rock for me to fall back on during this ordeal. We had family come from all corners of the globe, literally. They have comforted me, they have supported me, and they have inspired me. I knew that when me and Rachel started dating back in 2001, I was not only falling in love with her but her family as well. We have cried together, we have laughed together, and together we have endured the bad and enjoyed the good of Rachel's life and death. The love given and received from family is something I hold closely to my heart; I know without it I would truly not be the man I am today, and since Rachels death, I would not be able to move on the way I am.

Friends, ah friends. Friends of mine, friends of Rachel's, friends of my family, friends of Rachel's family. Friends that I have made through all of my networking revolving around telling Rachel's story. Friends coming out of the woodwork who I haven't tlked to or seen in years. Friends that have given support from cards, letters, food, money, etc. I am truly overwhelmed by how many friends we have and how generous every one of them has been to help us through this. There are angels out there that have made this so much easier to deal with. They have taken our minds off of things, they have cried with us, they have filled our bellies! They have said masses for us, they have made donations in Rachel's name, and I could go on for hours. As I have said before, we are forever in debt to the kindness that has been bestowed on us; all I can say is that it will be reciprocated. I will do everything I can to be there for anyone I know.

Speaking of beaing there for someone...and I hate to close a post on such a sour and possibly sad note, but, I just found out this morning that someone who I have never met, but whose life I have followed for a few months and whose story is very similar to Rachel's is slowly succumbing to the same disease that took her life. Her name is Linda Ramirez. Her blog is: http://lindaramirez.blogspot.com/. Please take the time to pray for her and her family. I know, and most of you know, the pain they are going through. Never forget how melanoma has impacted your life and especially the lives of Rachel's and Linda's and their families' lives.

Melanoma News, Videos, and Links, etc.

I have found so much information in the last few years that helped me do what I could for Rachel. There are many websites and blogs that provide information, statistics, news, and support regarding melanoma. I will be from time to time doing what I can to share some of these with you. I will offer a bunch of links at the bottom of the post for you to check out...

One of the most interesting and similar cases of melanoma I have found is the story of Claire Oliver, a young woman who was diagnosed with melanoma at the age of 22 and died at the age of 27. Like Rachel, she tanned when she was younger. Like Rachel, she was a very beautiful young woman. Like Rachel she died five years after her initial diagnosis. Below is a short video that could have been shot from Rachel's hospital room or our living room at home. I can't lie to you, it is sad, and is bound to arise emotions in you. It is not long; maybe thirty seconds long or so. But it is powerful. I originally saw this in a post on Miss Melanoma's blog, which itself is one of my favorite resources. Check it out:


I know that has to scare some of you, and it should. No tan is worth dying so young.
Here are a few links for you to learn about melanoma and I will post more as I find them:

Melanoma Patients' Information Page (MPIP)
Melanoma Research Foundation
Melanoma International Foundation (MIF)
Rachel's Memorial on the MIF website (Thanks Lisa!)
National Council on Skin Cancer Prevention

This is just a short list of links; do a Google search on Melanoma or Melanoma Statistics and you will find literally thousands of pages.

One thing I do have to say in closing is a warm and heart-felt thank you to all of Rachel's caretakers at UPMC (Hillman Cancer Center and Shadyside), including her oncology team; Dr. Tarhini, Dr. Appleman, Jan, and Pam, Chuck and the nurses of CTRC; also the fine nurses over at 5-Pav; the Lindas, the Lauras, Faith, and of course Diana. Rachel's mom and I made a trip down there today to tell them how thankful we were for the treatment, the care, the work, the love, and the compassion all of you showed Rachel. You all truly became family to us.

I will be posting more in the near future talking about home health care, Hospice, and the amazing folks that work for those companies. They are people who are not normally thought of until it is too late. Hospice to many means a death sentence; it is not. But they are such a special group of indiviuals that make the job of family caretakers so much more managable. God bless you Linda(s) from UPMC Jefferson, Pam, Sabrina, Danielle, and all of the fine folks at Southern Care.

I will also be posting a few tidbits about lymphedema, a very much unknown condition often brought on by cancer treatments and surgeries. There are very special people like those at TuDor Physical Therapy that assist those that are aflicted with lymphedema.

Keep checking this blog for more stories, memories, education, warnings, and other things I think Rachel would want me to get out to all of you. Lately, my friends and family are trying to get our story put out on a nation and even international forum, like talk shows and news shows. Please, pass the word of our story and her struggle. The more people we can save through Rachel's life and death, the better!

The Tribute is in the Numbers

As I said before in my last entry, the support for Rach, her family, and I has been overwhelmingly amazing. Just to show you some of the numbers of people who have paid their respects to her, this is what I've been told so far:

- Over 2,000 hits on her obituary online at www.stewart-kyle.com
- Over 750 attendees at her calling hours (and many people had to wither leave due to the cold weather)
- Over 750 attendees at her funeral at St. Patrick's Catholic church in Hubbard, OH.
- Friends and family arrived from either right next door or from thousands of miles away.

These are just a few of the numerical tidbits that give me strength each day.

I want to tell you that I believe that Rachel should have a legacy, due to the amazing young woman she was. It was easy for her to impact many of us, whether we knew her or not. Now it is our turn to get the word out to the world as best we can. I need each of you to be an advocate for melanoma research and education. I went into a tanning salon today in Boardman, Ohio, just to see if there were any types of warnings about the dangers of the UVB rays that are emitted by the tanning beds. I looked for signs and for words in the enrollment packages. There was nothing. Sure, there were warnings about overexposure leading to burns, but nothing about how those UVB rays burn deeper due to their wavelength or that the overuse of tanning beds may lead to melanoma.

I think the world has to learn about her fight. The world needs to understand the dangers of tanning and how they can avoid melanoma even if they do go tanning. I would love to get a worldwide forum, like the Oprah Show or Good Morning America to tell her story and those stories of all of the victims (and survivors) or the horrible disease that is known as melanoma. Continue passing on information to your friends and families regarding these threats. I will be posting some links and videos in a few days showing other peoples' struggles as well as educational and informative sites.

Rachel impacted everyone she ever met. Let us ensure she has a much farther reaching impact. God Bless; make sure you are looking over each others' skin!

I Love you Rachel!

It's Getting Harder, for All of Us

In the past week things have changed with Rach. Things that are worrying me. She has acquired a chest cold from someone and is having some trouble breathing from it. That cough and wheezing associated with it are making her nervous and in turn me as well. She has lost all of the strength in her legs to be able to hold up her frame to move even short distances; she fell when we were trying to move her from her laz-e-boy to her wheelchair yesterday, and luckily I was holding her and was strong enough to let her down softy so she didn't hurt anything. She is losing the ability to control her urination and bowels, and that presents her with not only a physical uncomfortableness that we must constantly help her with by changing undergarments and cleaning her (which requires her to stand up which as I said earlier is becoming increasingly difficult), but with an embarrassing emotional uncomfortableness that is the result of knowing that she messed herself.

We have initiated working with Hospice. We are working with Southern Care, who employs some amazing folks who have made this emotional transition in our lives a little more bearable. She'll have a nurse dedicated to her care (medications and medical care), a social worker available to answer questions for her and us and provide emotional support, a personal care assistant who will come and do things to make her comfortable, a companion to keep her company if and when all of us in the household have to leave to take care of things outside of the home, and a chaplain who can provide us with spiritual support during this difficult time.

As time goes on, it appears that this beast is having its way with my girl. Watching her go through this is harder and more painful than anything I have ever experienced before. I'm not sure how much longer she will be able to fight this, as weak and exhausted as she is. I cry even more now than I ever have, sometimes uncontrollably, especially at night. The thoughts and stresses and regrets that come along with seeing someone you love going through something like this are unexplainable.

I look into the future (even though I shouldn't) and see a lot of confusion and emptiness if she is not with me. Right now I need all of your prayers for her strength as well as mine and her family's; I need your prayers for her comfort and ability to relax and feel better no matter how that will happen; I need your prayers that no matter what God has in store for us we are able to deal with it. I keep telling myself that in the Lord's prayer, we are told: "Thy will be done". I keep reminding myself of that fact. I have no control here, and I know that is the case. All I can do is be here for her and do the best I can to keep her comfortable.

• For those of you who feel the need to go to the tanning salon, especially now during the winter since you can't "lay out" in order to get a tan, please consider getting a much safer spray-on tan or go buy some tanning cream or spray your friends or significant other can apply to you to give you that tan. Think of how much safer it is, please!
• I can't stress enough to each and every one of you how important it is to check yourself and have your friends or partners check your body and skin for moles that appear discolored or misshapen. Many of you have been taught to check your breasts or testicles for lumps or abnormalities in order to fend off cancer in them. Well, your skin needs to be checked just as robustly as anything else. You can get melanoma in the weirdest places, like in the creases of your labia, or in the crack of your butt, or in an armpit, or even under hair follicles on your head.

Bottom line, don't let yourself be affected by melanoma the way we have. Head it off before it gets a chance to mess up your life and the lives of your loved ones.

Why Are There So Many Damn Complications?

The hardest part of her melanoma isn't the cancer itself, it's the complications associated with it. She has been through so much in the last 10 months. Side effect, complication, infection, whatever you could imagine, has affected her.

First it was the vomiting and chills. The pain was next and still prevails even though she is on a fairly high level of constant morphine (She uses a PCA pump to administer her morphine at a level of 6.5 mg per hour with a bolus of 7 mg 4 times and hour). The interferon made her lose some considerable weight, about 50-60 lbs worth. You could see it in her face, in her neck, and especially, in my opinion, in her shoulders. Pictures of her from back in April and now are of a totally different woman. The lymphadema caused by the trauma to her lymphatic system (removal of some nodes and large tumors in others) have caused her to suffer from extreme lymphedema of the trunk and legs, to the tune of a 100 lbs weight gain. She is unrecognizable from the chest up due to loss of weight, and unrecognizable from the chest down due to the accumulation of fluid weight. As if it wasn't enough for her to be in pain from the tumors in her abdomen, the lymphedema has caused an incredible amount of uncomfortableness to her; the tightness of her skin and pressure on her organs is unbearable sometimes. She came down with C-Diff while admitted, which is a bacterial infection caused by too many anti-biotics killing the good bacteria in her GI tract; it results in severe diarrhea and cramping. She had dermititis on her legs from the weeping of the lymph fluid through her overtightened skin; it was itchy and painful. She has had three menstrual periods in the last month, whereas she did not have a period for eight months due to the VEGF-Trap clinical trial. It was spotty at first, took a couple day break, then came back heavy as hell, and then went away for a few days, and came back again, heavy as hell. The period(s) have caused pain in her back and lower abdomen on top of the pain from the tumors and lymphedema. The lymphedema makes the period worse pain-wise for her because of the internal swelling that keeps the discharge built up deep inside until it is released in a bathroom break. Sounds fun, huh?

Speaking of...does any of this sounds fun to you? Could you imagine seeing a loved one go through this, even if it is only one or two of those symptoms? And you still go tanning? God bless you. Please be smart and search the body (naked body) of your partner, kids, and parents if they are under your care. Melanoma doesn't care how young or old you are, what type of skin you have, what background you come from, or what color your hair is. I don't wish this amount of pain and suffering on anyone I may dislike; it is truly a living hell sometimes, seeing someone you love go through what Rach is going through right now.

I ask you all to continue your prayers for her. She needs them now more than ever. Thanks for those of you who read our story and may God bless you.

The Last Month (In Our Hell)

Rachel finished her 4 weeks of high dose interferon treatment on Friday, December 5th. The pain and nausea she had from the treatments seemed to be the only thing we couldn't handle. No matter what prescribed pain meds (Oxycodone, Oxycontin, etc.) and anti-nausea meds (Zofran, Kytril, etc.) we used, we could not get those two extreme side effects under control. She was nauseated for almost 3 1/2 weeks straight, which kept her from eating well. You could say she was on the verge of being malnourished. Her caloric intake was more than likely down to 200-300 a day, a fraction of what was normal for her. The pain and nausea came to an excrutiating head on the morning oImage via Wikipediaf December 8th. I called Dr. Tarhini's P.A., Jan, and told her what we had been experiencing and how we couldn't do anything for her, and she recommended we admit Rach. I totally agreed and brought her into UPMC that afternoon.

For the next week, the doctors at UPMC, made of of specialists in Internal Medicine, Oncology, G.I., and Cardiology all have their attention on Rach. They change meds and doses until they can find what works to ease her pain and nausea. They finally find that a PCA pump that doses her with a constant morphone drip and gives her the opportunity to dose herself with a bolus of morphine every 15 minutes does the trick on the pain (forthe most part). This brings her down from a pain level of 10 out of 10 to maybe a 5 out of 10. Through our 2.5 week stay, the drugs used to try and quell her nausea spells don't ever seem to work. Miraculously, in the last couple of days, the nausea seemed to disappear without any certain medical reason, at least not from any certain medicine. Unfortunately, due to the malnutrition she had and the fact that the hospital pumped her full of fluids, she developed a very serious case of lymphadema. Her weight increased by almost 75%, and she is now quite distended and uncomfortable in her lower abdomen and legs. They have her taking TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) to try and build her portien stores back up so she can try and kick the lymphadema.

Rachel was thankfully discharged on Christmas Eve. Upon returning home, we met with the nurse who taught me how to use the portable pumps that she uses to receive her morphine and TPN that keep her pain level manageable and provide her with nutrition, respectively. I have to prepare her PICC lines for infusion, I have to prepare the pump and IV bags, and I connect everything as needed. Along with the infusions, due to her weight increase due to the lymphadema, she is unable to make it to the restroom by herself, and needs someone to help her clean up afterward. I do all of this for her; I have to stay up during the night as she goes to the bathroom quite often at night. Neither one of us is able to get much sleep at all; sometimes we will go 3 nights on less than 4 hours total sleep. It's really quite miserable.

The lymphadema recently has been joined by a case of the weezies. It usually happens when she gets into "sleepy" mode when her breathing changes from awake mode to a deeper asleep mode. It makes me nervous. Is it just a cold? Is the lymphadema moving to her lungs? Are there any of the dreaded mets there? I hate this damn disease and everything associated with it.

As you can see from my list of symptoms she is going through hell right now. I continue to ask God why can't he have mercy on her and ease up a bit? Why all the damn symptoms and why are they all so extreme? I get so enraged at the pain and suffering she has to go through; I am most frustrated because their is little if anything I can do to alieviate them. My hell is watching her go through this. Mix that with my lack of sleep and constantly coming down with bugs (colds and flus, etc.) and I am in a hurt locker.

Like I said in my last post, is it worth it? Being a little darker or having some color to your skin might be nice to you, but are you ready to deal with the consequences? Is your family? Financially can you afford the costs of the medical care required? We have easily racked up over a quarter of a million dollars in medical bills that thankfully so far have been picked up by the military's health insurance, TRICARE. Think about this next time you lay on the side of the pool with Crisco rubbed on your back or when you go to the local tanning salon.

Bringing You Up to Date (Happy Holidays)

Before I begin this entry, let me say that it was a blessing being able to be home for Christmas. Rach and I wish all of you nothing but the best this holiday and to our family and friends, we love you and continue to appreciate all you have done for and with us.

Okay; so, back in April, we have our initial meeting with Dr. Tarhini, who like I said before is a soft spoken, kind-mannered gentleman who like Dr. Lee has a way of both relaxing and comforting you with his manner. He gives us options. Our first option is to try a clinical trial of a treatment called VEGF-Trap (Vascular Endothilial Growth Factor - Trap), which they hope will prevent the growth of new blood vessels needed for her tumors to grow. It sounds like a great first option. The side effects compared to other treatments are very minor and much more manageable. Trying this would also give us more options; if it didn't work, we still have the other, more traditional treatments as well as other clinical trials we could use.

Needless to say we agreed to participate in the VEGF-Trap trial. Rach would have to get the treatment via IV at the Hillman Cancer Center in Pittsburgh every other week, and would get labs done after a two month cycle of those treatments. Things appeared to be going well with the VEGF-Trap. She seemed quite healthy, and besides the blood pressure medications she was on, life seemed to be almost normal...

...Normal enough that I followed through with my Naval commitments to the USS THE SULLIVANS (DDG-68) homeported in Mayport, Florida (just east of Jacksonville). I left Ohio and proceeded to begin my tour on the ship. We had acquired an apartment in Jacksonville, near Jacksonville Beach, which was very nice; and I spent my days on ship and my nights at the apartment. Rach and I used our webcams to talk constantly (I purchased her a laptop shortly before we left Japan for this reason alone). We talked every day, sometimes multiple times. I was hard charging on the ship. I took over as Leading Petty Officer of the Weapons-Missiles division, with a great young group of guys and girls who continuously performed well and whom I got along with easily. I made many friends on the ship; I also tried getting qualified in as many things as I could in order to prepare myself for the Chiefs board next year.

Life went on like this for a few months. Our daily routine was set. Rach made it through a couple of cycles of the VEGF-Trap with what the doctors called "stable-disease", which means that there had been no substantial growth of any of her tumors since they started the trial. Things were set up nicely for my upcoming deployment. I came home on leave to spend some time with her prior to my leaving for a multi-month trip overseas with my ship. We spent almost every day together; the love and affection had reached new levels, as if they weren't maxed out before! Those couple of weeks were amazing. The intimacy, the talks, the time spent just staring peacefully into each others eyes, those of you who are truly in love know exactly what I mean...my heart felt good being able to leave on deployment when my time on leave was up. We had a somber trip to Pittsburgh International Airport to fly me back to Jacksonville. We both cried hard and held each other so tight that nothing, not even an F5 tornado, could tear us apart. Jumping into the unknown, we went our ways...her back to her parents' house, me to my ship where I would be going to places unknown at the hands of the government; but both of us heading into ground where we felt unstable and afraid. Her knowing she couldn't lean on me when and if things got rough, me not knowing if I would have the communication to know if anything went wrong. Being over 8,000 miles apart at one time during this ordeal is something that was amazing that we were able to do.

We had gone about 3 months into the deployment when I received an email from Rach that would change my life. I knew it couldn't be good when she started it out with "Please Don't Worry"! During her last set of scans and labs, it was found that there was tumor growth that was outside of the margins for us to continue the VEGF-Trap clinical trial. We would have to move on to another treatment. Our next option was to go to a treatment called interferon-alpha2b. It is a treatment called immunotherapy, which supercharges the immune system into fighting the tumors as a foreign body instead of ignoring it. Once it has detected and attacked a foreign substance, they alter it by slowing, blocking, or changing its growth or function. The problem with interferon is that the side effects are harsh. They are very flu-like in nature. Right off the bat I was worried I would have to come home, even though she told me I didn't need to just yet.

A few weeks later, I get the word that she was admitted to the hospital for complications to a reaction to a drug that was being used to counter the side effects. Rach, while still a strong girl, was getting beat down by the treatment, and more harshly by the disease. I received an email from Dr. Tarhini telling me how the disease had unfortunately progressed, and how they recommended that I come home as soon as I could.

I proceeded with running two things on my end; an emergency leave request and a request for reassignment due to humanitarian reasons (HUMS). The first would get me home quickly and for a few weeks. They later would extend my time at home and give me a chance to be Rachel's primary caretaker. Luckily, both were approved and I came home on the 18th of November.

Needless to say I was so happy to see her; but the visual clues as to how the treatment and disease have changed her just in the 3 months that I had been gone were staggering and a bit overwhelming. I immediately began to take care of her; driving her to and from the treatments in Pittsburgh, administering her meds, comforting her when she needed it, and whatever else she may have required. Unfortunately, on December 8th, she became overwhelmed by the effects of the disease and side effects, and the pain and nausea were unmanageable by her parents and I at home so we admitted her to UPMC for two and a half weeks, coming home on Christmas Eve night.

During our stay, the doctors spent time adjusting meds and doses to make her comfortable. They have put her interferon treatment on hold until she gets back strength and is a bit less symptomatic. She finally was given a pump to provide her with a constant morphine dosage and a shot called a "bolus" of morphine four times an hour. Her pain is for the most part under control. Her nausea has subsided. During her stay in the hospital she contracted severe lymphadema, which is swelling in the body due to a buildup on lymph fluid. We have her on a portable pump at home for that as well; I do all the infusions of the meds myself through her PICC lines in her arm (semi-permanent IVs). I have had to take on the job as a nurse as well as being a husband and caretaker. Rach needs 24 hours monitoring, so there are many nights I don't get sleep. Sometimes if they can, one of her parents rotates shifts with me. It is definitely not easy.

Well, this long entry brought you up to present time. In my next entries, I will give more present time updates as to what Rachel's status is and what is going on in her life. I will also continue to put facts in my entries regarding melanoma and it's associated causes.

Since this was a long entry I will limit the extras to one point...

• For those of you who do tan or lay out, think about how you would deal with the pain and suffering that she and her family have gone through. Is it really worth it?

Back Home...Not Exactly by Choice

Japan is now a memory. A very good memory, at least until the very end. We're back home. Things don't seem so abnormal. Besides having a lump in her neck, Rach feels pretty good. It is really hard to understand how she is so sick when she doesn't feel like it. We're now staying at her parent's house in Hubbard, OH. It's a po-dunk town a few thousand folks short of 10 grand. There's probably more bars than traffic lights here. Rach and I grew up here, went to school here, made lifelong friends here, and made many memories here. We both made decisions in life that got us out of that town...years later, here we are, waiting for the unknown.

The day comes for us to meet with the docs up in Cleveland Clinic. We're to meet with an ear, nose, and throat surgeon and oncologist, Dr. Walter Lee. He's a young looking, soft spoken, gentle man who has a relaxing way about him. He calms us as we initiate the myraid of tests Rach will be going through. She starts by getting her throat, esophagus, and stomach looked at with a strange looking tool she had to get placed in her nose and down all the way into her stomach. It looked quite uncomfortable, but as she does commonly, she "troopered" through it. She concurrently went through various scans; PET, C/T, MRI, etc...and her doctors reviewed her case.

By looking at the scans, it was evident that Rachel's cancer had spread throughout her body; the largest mass being in the lower left neck area (the size of a tennis ball), and an assortment of relatively small tumors located throughout her lymph chain in her abdomen. Due to the location of the mass in her neck and the location near major arteries, it was decided to remove the lump via surgery. Rach hadn't had surgery since we were in Virginia. Those surgeries were all on her legs and lower extremities - away from anything vital, whereas this one would be quite dangerous - near many vital areas of her body. It was the first very scary experience we had since this second bout with the beast has come about (besides the lump finding of course).

I waited in the waiting area with Rachel's parents and our Pastor from our Catholic church (St. Pats in Hubbard, OH), Fr. Tim O'Neil. After 4 long hours, Dr. Lee came out and told us the surgery was a success; she made it through fine. That was the good news. We had been told prior to the surgery that this cancer could have been lymphoma - due to the location exclusively in her lymph system. That would have been a much better diagnosis. Dr. Lee broke it down for us, and the news was quite sombering. The mass came back as being positive for melanoma. That meant she was diagnosed with Stage IV, distant metastisized, malignant melanoma (a1c). Needless to say, we all shared a good cry.

The thing that kept us strong in that time of excrutiating emotional anguish was the fact that Fr. Tim was there to comfort us and Rachel's surgeon, Dr. Lee, said something so simple yet so powerful to all of us. He said: "Those who make it through tough times such as these do so because they rely on the 3 F's: Faith, Family, and Friends". That philosiphy of his had held true throughout our entire ordeal.

After a few week of recovery and ensuring the area of her surgery was healing properly, Dr. Lee recommended we be seen by the Melanoma Specialists at The University of Pittsburgh Medical Center's Hillman Cancer Center. Her lead oncologist would be Dr. Ahmad Tarhini, another soft spoken, kind man who has a way of putting us at ease. With my next entry I will bring the story up through the current time and will continue to update this blog with frequent storied of our experiences while Rachel fights her battle with the hardest foe she (or any of us for that matter) have faced.

• If you must be in the sun, exercise "sun sense." Avoid sun exposure between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m., when ultraviolet (UV) exposure is greatest, and use a sunscreen with a sun protection factor (SPF) no less than 15.

• If you must be in bright sun, sunscreen alone may not provide adequate protection: Keep exposed areas of your body covered. In addition to protecting your arms, legs, and trunk, remember your head, neck, and shoulders. Wear a visor or a hat with a brim. Melanoma usually occurs on the head and neck, on men’s trunks, and on women’s legs. Do not ignore changes in moles in areas of the body that are not exposed to sun. Melanoma can occur in these areas as well.

• Examine your skin regularly, and have your health professional check your skin during any other health exams, or at least once a year.

The Beast is Awakened

On a warm, late summer day in 2003, Rachel and I were hanging out with friends in the back yard, sitting around the pool and conversing. The conversation somehow turned to moles and other anomalies on our bodies. Rachel noted a mole that had started to turn darker than normal on her left thigh. The mole had been present on her body since at least her high school days, as was proven by looking at old pictures after the fact. One of Rachel's friends, a surgical tech at the time, said she should get it looked at by the dermatologist soon. We made note of it, and scheduled an appointment within a couple of weeks of that day in the back yard.

So, the day comes where she goes to get checked out by the dermatologist. Let it be noted that Rachel is by nature a fair skinned Caucasian woman; her normal skin tone is quite light. She has a multitude of freckles and moles scattered over the majority of her body. The mole on her thigh worried the dermatologist, so they did a "punch biopsy" on it. It was comparatively large, with a radius of 7mm. It was sent off to the lab while we waited for the results.

We were nervously anticipating the response from the dermatologist, when we got the call that put this roller coaster ride in motion. We were told that the biopsy results from the mole on Rachel's thigh had come back positive for malignant melanoma. Needless to say we were upset by the news. We really didn't know how to react at the time; neither of us were prepared for the news of one of us would be diagnosed with cancer (any kind of cancer!) at age 25! We had a good cry and after that bucked up and decided we would fight this beast no matter what it threw at us. At this point she was at least a stage 1...

A week or so later, she was scheduled for the wide incision where they remove all cancerous tissue from the original area of the malignancy. It was her first surgery. It was low risk; however, once it was complete, she would have to have a JP tube inserted to drain fluid from the wound area, and she would be admitted for a few days. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, she would have to go through a sentinel lymph node biopsy, which required another surgery, a minor one to remove it and check for melanoma "mets" or metastasized melanoma cells in the first lymph node that pulls toxins from the area of the original malignancy. The results come back as malignant; the melanoma had metastasized to her sentinel lymph node. Stage 2, check.

Because of the malignancy in the sentinel node, she had to have a regional lymphandectomy in her left groin to see the extent of the spread of the melanoma. Already feeling beat down, we buckled down and she went through her third surgery. Being the trooper she is, she made it through well, and the news, while upsetting, was not as bad as it could have been. The bad news: There was melanoma present in some of the regional lymph nodes...she is stage 3. The good news: The amount found was quite small; just a tad bit higher than microscopic amounts were found. She would have to be put on Interferon treatments.

Not even three weeks into the initial Interferon treatment regimen, Rachel's labs showed severe increases in her liver enzymes. Due to the minimal amount of melanoma found in the regional lymphandectomy, and the fact that this interferon was damaging her liver so badly, the oncologists suggested we stop the treatment.

Was it the right decision? Should we have pressed the issue? Looking back in retrospect, I almost regret not pursuing things a little further. Of course, at that time, I agreed with the doctors and figured all would turn out well. We finished out my tour of duty in Norfolk, and I got orders to go to Yokosuka, Japan in 2005. Despite her medical history, she was cleared to make this 3 year tour with me. Things went great for almost the entire time we were overseas...more to come on that in my next post.

Tanning beds produce more than 3 times the amount of UVA rays, affecting deeper tissue and more apt to cause long term skin damage, than the sun. Long term effects of exposure to these UVA rays is linked to malignant melanoma, damage to the immune system, weakening and loss of elasticity of the skin's inner tissue. If you go tanning, you double your chances of developing skin cancer. Tanning is the body's response to injury caused by exposure to the skin, and can cause age spots, crow's feet, and most of all, wrinkles.

Prologue

Have you ever met someone and just known they're the one? That was the case for me back on the day before September 11, 2001. That's right; before all of the shit hit the fan, I had met (for the second time in my life - more to come on that) my future wife. Her mane of flowing red hair, her black Harley-Davidson t-shirt tight on her boobs, cut down the center to show off cleavage, and the remarkable smile she radiated throughout the entire place made her irresistible to me. She even commented to me later on in the evening while I was at the jukebox, "You know you're going to marry me"...she was right on with that prediction...

Rachel Beasley was some girl who I knew as one of my younger sister's friends in grade school. I picked on her like an older brother does to his sister's friends, and never thought twice about it. Her sister was a grade above me in elementary school, her mother taught me while I was in elementary school, and new her father as a basketball coach at that same elementary school. I grew up knowing her and her entire family.

Dating her and getting serious was easy. I knew I loved her within a week or so. I never told someone I loved them that fast after starting a relationship. Heck, I waited a whole month to have sex (which for me at the time was quite a feat)! All that aside, we just got along so well. We never fought; we thought along the same lines more often than not; heck, we would even make fun of the same people as we sat in the food court at the mall people watching. Her family was just as nice as I had remembered them. I got along with all of them; they made me feel so comfortable while dating their daughter.

S, after a couple months of dating, I asked her parents for her hand in marriage after our Thanksgiving meal in 2001, and in turn proposed to her in December shortly before Christmas that year. I had bought a ring she had stated she liked, and wasn't sure how to pop the question...then, on December 22nd, 2001, I had a good setup. She had a bad day. One of those days you just wished you stayed in bed all day. She cut a tire on the way to work, making her late (she worked at Quaker Steak and Lube in Sharon, PA). Work was bad; she had lots of jerks and low tippers coming to the restaurant. She told this to me on the verge of tears and I went and got her a card to cheer her up. Well it just so happened that her parents had a pewter stocking Christmas ornament that they had just bought, and as I was telling them about my plans later that night to propose to her, they gave me the ornament and said I should use it somehow. I saw I could put the ring inside the stocking. Well, here we go; card and first Christmas ornament. She would be happy at the end of the day no matter what. I get to the restaurant, ad it is packed but she is getting off soon. I go down to the bar to hang with a few of her friends who had already punched out, and of course I told them the plan and they went along with it. Rach comes down, sits next to me, and I get her a beer. She chugs half of it down in one gulp, hugs me and on the verge of tears says how happy she was I came to be with her. As she says that, I pass her the card and the stocking ornament. She opened the card and enjoyed it...and as she looked at the ornament, she sat there puzzled. I told her, "Look at it, babe"! She couldn't fighure it out for a few more minutes until, bam! Her eyes lit up, she opened the clasp, and wham! There's a nice fat engagement ring! I turn her around, got on a knee, and in front of over 100 patrons who by that point were all watching, asked her to marry me...of course, she said yes, and "The Lube" erupted with applause and champagne, etc, as we kissed and hugged and received congrats from all around us.

It was a great few months to start out what would be the love of a lifetime. Problems were so far out on the horizon that neither one of us saw what we would face in the years ahead. The thing is, the problem was already part of her body. It was something normally as benign as an odd hair, a little pimple, a light freckle, a harmless birthmark. It was a mole that had in her 24 years received many a dose of sunlight and even more UV rays from multiple visits to tanning beds. Rach was quite tan for our wedding. Little did she know that the appearance she enjoyed showing would put her into a fight for her life.

More to come...in the next few days.

Ladies and Gents...please be careful around those UV rays.